A February sun thaws what's left of Thursday's storm.

February has never been a month which I am fond of. It means unremitting school as far as the eye can see, cold, wet (though not here, apparently), early darkness, and so on. There are deadlines and due dates and grumpiness enough for all. It always has seemed to be a time when I vacillate between wallowing in self (guilt, hatred, pity, take your pick) and re-resolving to change for the better. Neither is a comfortable place to be.

This February is looking no different. The New Year's resolutions have fallen by the wayside, try as I might to pick them back up. I'm not beaten yet, but fighting two people's schedules and apathy when trying to eat better and exercise looks a lot like my own personal Everest. When I leave for school shortly after sunrise, and K gets home after dark, how are we supposed to fit in exercise? And when our separate schedules necessitates separate feeding times, how do we have healthy family dinner? so far it's an unanswered question.

And then there's Pantheacon. I'm very excited about it, but I've never been, so I'm also a little nervous. What will it be like? How many people will be there? Will it be overwhelming? I don't know.

I'm going to be in a production. Perhaps it was a bit mad to agree to be in a production without having seen it, but I am excited. I'll be playing/channeling the Sun in the OLT. It's been an interesting road so far. I wrote a monologue, which I liked, but which I was unsatisfied with as far as context. It just didn't/doesn't feel like it fits... So I wrote a new version, which I like better in context, but which is not as powerful as the first. So maybe I will write a third, and try to add the best parts of both together. We'll see.

Then my costume....sigh. I have a very literal brain. So, if I am the Sun card, I immediately try to look as much like the sun as possible. If I had been the Heirophant, I would have worn a pope hat, if I were the world, I would have carried a globe, this is just how my mind works. Having never seen the show, I also had no idea what the costumes look like. So, I made a costume, out of different color fabrics cut in rays, with a shiny "night" cloak, and a bitchin mask. I showed up at our dress rehearsal, put on my costume, and watched as everyone else came in. It was horrible. I looked like the kidnergartner who accidentally wandered into the high school hipsters ball. "MY SHINY COLORS, LET ME SHOW YOU THEM" meets "whatever, man. fuck authority." I was so embarrassed.

I'm going to scrap the whole thing, except for the mask. (Not literally, I'm sure I can use it for something else someday). I think I'm going to go mod instead. I have a little yellow dress I can wear, and yellow high heels. That and the mask should be good. I just wish I'd know before I A) spent money on fabric, and B) looked like an idiot. Oh well.

So it goes. Just a few more days, and the festivities begin!
Hope to see you there.
T