to be or not to be- "how" is the question...

so i'm thinking about making a separate facebook page for my pagan self. it's something i've been thinking about for a while, but have resisted doing. here's what i'm thinking-

pro-

1) it would be easier to keep the pieces of my life separate, and i am comfortable with compartmentalizing.

2) it would allow me to have space to talk about pagan stuff with other pagans without worrying about what my lds in-laws are going to think

3) in this next year, in which i suspect i will be acting more as thora than as nancy, it would allow me to have a space in which i am only nancy as well.

con-

1) it feels a little dishonest at this point. all my caya friends are already my facebook friends.

2) i don't want it to feel like i'm embarrassed of my pagan friends- i'm not. i just also don't like making people unnecessarily uncomfortable, and my pagan stuff has the potential to do that for a lot of people.

3) on some level, i feel like i should want to not live two lives. but on some level i don't care. i don't know...


maybe i'll go ahead and make one, and then just see how much i use it. i do have several blogs under different names, and two myspaces, and two emails. i suppose two facebooks is the logical next step.

thoughts?

tuesday afternoon

this morning was a win! last friday when i went to my tues/fri class, my good seat in the back by the outlets was stolen by this schmuck who sleeps through class every day, and so then after having to sit near the front, i got taken to task by a self-righteous guy sitting behind me about how much time i spend on the internet during class. like it's any of his business- at least i'm awake!
this morning though i managed to get up early enough to not only get my good seat near the plug and in the back, but to get the even better one that is in the back corner with a plug and next to the window. WIN!!

let's see, other things.... it's been a while since i've blogged. i've thought about it a few times, but most of what i have to say is fairly disjointed, i guess.

artemisia and i did our hive presentations on sunday- i think it went well. everyone seemed to have a good time (if nothing else, getting to get out and walk in the woods and the creek was a good thing for all of us i think). we had originally conceived of our presentation(s) as a sort of survey of three different kinds of meditation, and it was that. we did a centering meditation, a walking meditation, and a plant mediation, and i think they were all a real success, but as we realized the day before, when we were doing a quick run-down, what we really did was liturgy. we're both ritualists. lol. it was such a great opportunity to work with her though- i didn't feel like i knew her that well before we started working together, but it was a really great opportunity to get to spend some time together and just talk, and be people together. it was awesome.
it was really good to get out, too. i forget how much i like being in woods and creeks. i had to take my shoes off (i'm an earth sign and a farm kid- shoes become superfluous about this time of year), and it was just so great to be able to wade, and to get mucky, and to do it with my friends.

i'd also like to say how grateful i am for the guys of caya coven. most of my friends growing up were guys- i was always hanging out with the boys, and in berkeley that hasn't been as true. i have one really good guy friend at school, but something like 80% of seminary students these days are women (won't it be interesting to watch how the churches change in the next 20 yrs once all these women take the places of power?), so that has affected it. don't get me wrong, i am very grateful for my women friends in and out of caya- very grateful. it has been really good for me to learn how to have close relationships with my sisters, and i love them dearly.
but i love the guys. i always wanted older brothers, and i got one when i married kyle- ryan, who i adore. but he's back in slc, and courtland and jack and mawi are here. i've gotten to spend a bit more time with the guys recently, and it's reminded me just how much i've missed it. i'm so glad that caya has such wonderful men, and that i get to spend time with them.
i <3 my bros.

omg, the radio is playing "secret agent man". so awesome.

oh, we got a wii. which is awesome. we got a wii fit too, which is both awesome and not awesome. it tells me that i am overweight every time i step on it. which is true, and which is my own damn fault, and which i really really need to do something about. but it's hard. some days it's really motivating, which is no doubt the intent, and which is excellent. other days it's just kind of discouraging. and occasionally it really really upsets me. for those of you who don't know, i used to have an eating disorder. i don't talk about it a lot, because it was a long time ago, and it's just one of those things that doesn't come up often, you know? ("isn't the weather beautiful?" "yeah, it's great! hey, did you know i used to not eat?"). it really doesn't affect me a lot these days, (obviously, given i'm now overweight), but it does mean that i am a bit hypersensitive. it also makes it hard for me to lose weight healthily. it's way too easy for me to fall into bad patterns, which i have to be careful about, and it means that on the days when i'm down anyway, having the wii fit insult me is really not helpful.
but i'm really trying to be positive. i NEED to lose a few pounds, it would be GOOD for me, and the wii is a good way for me to do it. it's just a machine, it doesn't mean to be nasty. i just need to get over my hangups and behave like a reasonable adult.

i've been thinking about deity a lot recently. i'm still torn about the "use the caya deity dedication to formalize longstanding associations" vs. "use it to create new ties" issue. i'm swinging back and forth. as it stands, i'm really pretty sure about stella maris. tying for second place are abnoba, taranis, and bear mother. but then there's isis, and nyx, and danu, and grainne/aine, and lugh.... i dunno. i'm also trying to decide if i really need a god in my trio. i think i might. but it's complex....

i've recently gotten some really got books that are awesome that i want to blog about. and i need to talk more about deity and altars and moving and so on. but right now i need to go get ready for class.
afternoon movies on a hot day FTW.

t

the roller coaster that is my life

let's put the good stuff first.

we got an awesome apt! hooray! it is bigger, it has wood floors, it has a brand new kitchen with a DISHWASHER. it is in a nice neighborhood, with trees and flowers and good neighbors. we have a nice and accommodating landlord. we have three weeks in which to move in. it's even closer to things we want to be close to than we already are. they take cats. it's close to friends.
it's exactly what we were looking for.
we are very blessed.

i was going to talk about other stuff. bad stuff. but i think i'm not.
i don't want pity, or concern. some of the things i could tell i think would make you not love me the way i hope you do now.
some things are best kept to yourself.

i have a house. i have a husband. i have friends. i am very blessed.
there is nothing more.

Ranty Thora is Ranty

So, my life has been a roller coaster lately. This is not a great thing for me- I love stability with a near frantic devotion. Thus, I am feeling discombobulated. And I need to rant.

Let me preface this by saying that there are many wonderful things in my life, and I am very grateful for them. My husband, my cats, my family, my friends, my coven, my church, etc. I am grateful every day of my life for these things.

But right now, I need to blow off some steam.

Item 1- The Job Search

I feel like I need a job. This is a somewhat irrational feeling- K, thank God, makes enough to support us on one income. Grad school would have been much harder if he didn't. However, I have a deep-seated need to feel like I'm contributing. And, since we'll be moving and have to pay more rent, this is probably not a bad thing. So I've been looking for jobs on craigslist. And looking. And looking. And looking.
Apparently, I am either under or over qualified for nigh unto every job anyone chooses to post. Great. Yay, grad degree. But that's not what really gets me- what gets me is this-
CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN TO ME HOW YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GET A JOB TO GET EXPERIENCE IF EVERY JOB OUT THERE WANTS PRIOR EXPERIENCE???
It doesn't WORK!!! I can't have the experience to qualify for your shitty-ass desk job if all the other shitty-ass desk jobs out there require 2-5 years experience in shitty-ass desk jobs! It's a logical fallacy! I DON'T EVEN WANT YOUR STUPID SHITTY ASS DESK JOB. I JUST WANT SOME MONEY. SHOVE YOUR SHITTY ASS DESK JOB.
somebody will hire me...someday...won't they?

Item 2- The Housing Market in Berkeley

1475$ for a two bedroom apartment is considered more than reasonable if it's in a good location. Enough said.

Item 3- Laurie Cabot

So I'm reading Laurie Cabot's book The Power of the Witch. I liked it at first. She has a decent writing style, it was engaging, the material was interesting, it was fine. Then I got to the history section. Initially it was ok; she was making some speculations which I thought were probably a bit out there, but that's ok. I wish she had made it clear that they were speculations, but that's no big deal. A lot of authors (especially pagan authors) don't do that. It's a pet peeve, but certainly not something unique to her. She was also being a bit pejorative toward Christianity, but again, nothing new there. She had a few etymology problems in the Celtic sections, and a few historical inaccuracies, but nothing too huge.
Then I got to the section where she talks about early Judaism on pages 47, 48, and 49. Let me just say, WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS HOW COMPLETELY WRONG SHE IS. THIS WOMAN IS UP IN THE NIGHT, SHE IS MAKING IT UP AS SHE GOES ALONG, SHE IS TALKING OUT HER ASS. *ahem*.
In case the reader is not aware, I am completing a Masters degree in Biblical Languages. I have certificates in Religious Studies and in Theological Studies. THE LINGUISTIC AND THEOLOGICAL CLAIMS THIS WOMAN MAKES ARE NOT VALID.

Let me just lay one example out for you- on page 48, she claims that the letters for the name "Jehovah" (more correctly known as Yahweh) are " yod-he-vau-he". This much is true. She then goes on to say that "yod" means "I". This is not true. The letter yod is transliterated as "i" or "y", but that is simply the sound it makes. The word "ani" means "I" or "myself". She then says that the letters he-vau-he mean "life" and "woman". This is about half true, but it is misleading. The letters create a form of the verb for "life" (also found when God names himself to Moses as "I am"- this can be translated as "I am the living one" or "I will be what I will be"-Hebrew verbs have a vast range of meanings). But they do not spell "woman". The word for woman is "isha". The reason the first woman is given the name HVH (havah, in hebrew) is because it is a bad pun. It just means "living". In the greek version, they have to change the name of the first woman to "Zoe" to make the pun work- the Greek word for "life" is "Zoen". Then she goes on to say that the Latin letters are E-V-E, and this shows that the name of God is "I am woman. I am life" and that's what the word Jehovah means. And, for the sake of fun, let's just add the fact that since Hebrew was an oral language, and since the Israelites considered the name of God too sacred to write down, we don't actually KNOW what the name of God was.

So, she is using a mistranslation of an ancient word into an unrelated, millennium younger language to prove a point about what the original word meant, when in fact, we don't even really know for sure what the original word was.

I won't go into the other errors she commits. Suffice it to say that they are egregious. But the real problem for me is this- if you were reading her book, and didn't know this (as probably 99% of her readers don't), it would all seem to make perfect sense. And not only does it make me question the accuracy of all the other information in her book, but it makes me angry, because she's one of the people creating the misconceptions of Christianity that I have to battle against. All because she can't be bothered to check her sources or to make it clear that she's speculating rather than stating uncontested truths.

I haven't read the rest of the book yet. I will. I imagine when she gets into modern stuff, which I think is the bulk of the book, she is probably fine. But it will be hard for me to take her scholarship seriously.

Item 4- My School

In order to graduate, I have to pass an oral exam. In order to pass an oral exam, I have to form an oral exam committee. In order to form an oral exam committee, I have to get two professors (one from my school and one from another member school, both with tenure) to agree, and I then have to get them approved by the Area Coordinator and the Dean.
I have tried to do this. I have failed to do this, largely for reasons out of my control. People have been on sabbatical, people are not getting my emails, one member of my committee dropped out to have hip surgery. and so on. So it did not happen on time.
Because of this, I cannot graduate with my class. For some reason, this is really upsetting to me. I didn't think I was that attached to the idea of walking with my class, but apparently I am. It's been days since I found out, and I still can't type this without crying. I have to go file an extension to get my degree, and I'll be able to graduate this fall, but I haven't done it yet, because I don't want to be in the registrar's office snuffling into my paperwork.
Which brings us to...

Item 5- Myself.

I have dropped the ball colossally this past 9 mos. I'm not entirely sure why. The fall was very long and hard, and I don't think I ever really recovered from it. This spring has been rough. I've been managing to do my homework and go to my classes, but everything else has slipped through the cracks. My depression has played no small role in this- when getting up the motivation to get dressed takes an hour, running around campus hunting down signatures is a daunting obstacle. But that's no excuse. I've dealt with this before, I know what it's like, and I need to move the hell on with my life. I choose to stay off happy pills for several sound reasons, and usually it's not a problem, but I'm really annoyed with myself that I've been handling it so badly the past 6 mos or so.
I HATE talking about having depression, because it is so often used as a crutch for people who don't have their shit together, and I don't want to be one of those people, or seen as one of them, but I can't ignore the fact that it's messing with me right now.
I need to figure out a way to get myself back into the world of the living and the responsible. I've been really making an effort to see people, and that's been good. I need to get my diet back under control and start getting regular exercise. You'd be surprised what good nutrition and activity do for brain chemistry. But it's an uphill slog at this point, and I've got only myself to hold accountable for getting here in the first place.

ok. ranting done for the moment. Step one on being responsible again- getting enough sleep. Bedtime.
Night.